Fingerspelling is NOT like finger-painting

Have you ever suddenly realized just how much you've learned?

Earlier this week, I was watching ABC Family's Switched at Birth which has a good bit of Sign Language on it and I suddenly realized--hey, I understand a lot of this!  Then I felt pretty cool. I really love sign language but it's interesting to find the things that I struggle with. I've gotten a lot better with actual signing and the speed that I learn signs. I don't find the direction signs are supposed to go a challenge anymore, or the spatial qualifiers as difficult either.  My new difficulty is fingerspelling. I don't struggle with the actual spelling of a word, although at times that can be difficult--you try spelling a word correctly and forming a hand shape at the same time. I struggle with processing the words quickly. Here is an example: Someone spells a word quickly and I'll be following it--"C-O-R-R-E-C-T" and by the end of the word...I've lost it because my mind struggles to process spelling a word silently, while watching handshapes. I'll get "C-O-R-R" and then I have to sign "repeat" because my mind starts filling in the blanks around it like a crazy hangman session: "CORRESPOND?" "CORRIZON? THAT'S A MISSPELLED SPANISH WORD, GLYNNIS!" I scream silently at myself. This process in my mind causes me to miss the second respelling of the word, I sign, "Sorry-Repeat." to the signer once more, and they do. This time I get it! Huzzah! CORRECT!  Continue with the signed conversation and pray there are no more fingerspelled words---oh crap, they're spelling something....

Sometimes when someone fingerspells a word I get as confused as I am about this picture. What's going on here? Cammy and Diddy are BFFS? And they appear to be inebriated. They're probably a fun pair to hang out with. Why didn't they call me? 

 I have been told that fingerspelling is the most difficult thing to learn in ASL. It is the most challenging and takes the most time to get used to. It is used frequently and interspersed throughout conversation. Signers will commonly be using signs and then fingerspell out a word--not every word has it's own sign in ASL. If you misspell a word as you are fingerspelling it, you must start from the beginning of the word. Spell it again for the signer because visual cues and perceptions are so different from auditory ones--if I was having a conversation with a friend and mispronounced a word, they would most likely be able to get the point of what I was saying. Not so with sign language. You mess up a word--you spell it again and you cannot start from the part of the word you messed up at. For example, if I was spelling "Handsome" and accidentally spelled it Handsa--but realized right there what I had done--I would have to start from the beginning.

ASL Alphabet--taunting me. 

Anyways, besides ASL I am also taking three other classes and just finished one--which was great. I just signed a lease on a townhouse and will be moving later this month with a best friend into that place, which I am very excited about because it is closer to town, work, classes. I am anxious about it because I am me and I like to be anxious--it's a state I live in! Things are, for the most part, going very well. I'm just trying to keep busy!

I hope everything is going peachy keen for you--and that you never stop living, laughing, and loving through this journey called life. I give you permission to write that motto on a wall above your bed. In fact, I encourage it. If you have "Always kiss me goodnight" written there currently--erase it, paint over, what ever is necessary and WRITE THE NEW ONE. LIFE. LAUGH. LOVE. I just created it! Right?

Until next time.

My Best Friends, Hearing Aids.

Apologies again--I keep thinking I'll be better at maintaining this blog in an efficient manner, but it seems  I am not with other responsibilities this one sadly falls to the bottom of the list.

In my last post I wrote about getting new hearing aids--which has been both a blessing and a curse, I have now decided. I love them and have adjusted to the level of noise that accompanies them. I have had to visit the audiologist roughly 3 or 4 times to have them adjusted. They pop out of my ears easily because apparently I have "an expressive face with ears that wiggle too much"--this was the description my audiologist gave me that made me laugh. I should explain, when I say they pop out, I mean they're not quite all the way in or out of my ear. It's awkward for me and makes the hearing aids more visible, which I am still self-conscious about. The fact is I am in-between sizes as far as the "sound wire" goes-- I need a 1 1/2 and I am stuck with a 2. This is something I have to work with. Technology is not perfect, but it's better than nothing.

This is how loud this get in bars with my hearing aids. PRETTY LOUD. 

Also, due to the fact that these are lower technology hearing aids the sound quality (in certain scenarios) is not great. It can sound very electronic. I don't mind this as I enjoy pretending I am a cyborg. This is just the way I have to hear things to hear them more clearly. Okay, fine. I'm not as much a fan of huge bar scenes and the way I hear at them though--I will say that.

For the negatives which have come with the hearing aids I feel there are so many positives. I notice so many more things than I noticed before. I can hear every sweet nothing anyone says to me--I think. It's easier to understand someone who is talking behind me. Before I always liked to turn and look at them and now it's not necessary, although I still do that partly out of habit and partly because I feel it's a kinder way of approaching people--and okay, I'm still lipreading too, but that's okay too. I think I have had the opportunity, though wearing the hearing aids, to bring awareness to people I wouldn't have before and I now have the courage to do that (most days).

I have had some negative comments. I have experienced some really difficult and ignorant statements from people who do not know or understand being Hard of Hearing. I have been called "Disabled" now and that is a term I never, ever, ever labeled myself. These are things I dealt with in a responsible manner, I believe. I may write about them here, I may not. Honestly, they sometimes hit a little too close to home. My feelings were hurt and insecurities from childhood arose and I am coping as best I can--and I think I'm doing a fairly okay job.

ASL classes are going really well-- I'm so glad I'm learning this beautiful language.

The Hearing World

I neglected this blog and for that I apologize. Sincerely.

I could give you excuses, I have them and they are legitimate: work, class, and a needed vacation all took time away from my writing. I will attempt to be more diligent.

I write because my ASL class is over for the summer. I won't start classes again until August 20th. I really enjoyed the class even though I found it challenging throughout. I went to a few events within the community that were very helpful and also allowed me to practice my sign. I need to continue doing this during my break.

This is, essentially, the type of hearing aid I got. Except mine is "terra cotta" colored to blend with my hair. Pretty sweet. I'm one step closer to being a cyborg. Score. 

Today is a big day for me. I got my new hearing aids. They're slim and tiny and chic. I'd like to say you can't really notice them too much, they blend in quite nicely with my hair--so that's cool. I had a whole session with my Audiologist about how they work and what not to do with them (don't wear them in the shower! don't put on hairspray while wearing them! no hairdryers on the hearing aids!)...yes, there was a theme for me.  This is the first time I've worn hearing aids in over 10 years and the adjustment is huge. My audiologist had the option of increasing the sound slowly over a few weeks but, she said, being that I am young she has set it at the max level that I need it to be. This being said...I am overwhelmed. I am supposed to wear the hearing aids for 10+ hours a day while in this "adjustment" period. My brain has to start comprehending what it's like to factor out other noises, voices, sounds, and even my own voice to some degree.

 Manatees, looking how I feel:  overwhelmed, but adorable.

Today, I have, since getting the hearing aids watched a movie by myself and talked on the phone a little. I disliked both actions. Not like me at all. I just do not like how loud everything is. To amplify the sounds that I am missing other sounds are getting amplified as well alongside them. I do not want to sound ungrateful, I'm not ungrateful. I'm very happy to have these, to get the opportunity to wear them again. I know I need them. I know how much I struggled and I know eventually they will make situations much easier but right now the sound of my typing is loud. The sound of my own voice sounds completely foreign and strange. I don't know how loudly to speak anymore because I seem so loud to myself, so I do not want to talk at all. I am disturbed by realizing there are sounds I can't identify now that I can hear them. Apparently our computer chair squeaks impossibly loud. Apparently my car keys jangle the entire time I drive. The keys of my qwerty pad on my cell phone click like a tiny horse is prancing upon them. My flip flops slap down on the ground and I am determined to wear only moccasins now. I will adopt soundless clothing. I definitely do not need zippers anymore. Outside it's like I'm being bombarded by the frequencies of sound, they come upon my like waves and I do not know what they all are but there's too many. It's too loud. How do you deal with it being this loud all the time? Painful. Painful.  I know I'll adjust. I know I will but if, for the next few weeks or month I am quiet (a rarity) understand this is why.

xo,

Glynnis

Dreamy Times

Flying by, this week.  The car search has started in earnest which is absolutely nerve-wracking and doesn't have that wave of excitement associated with a car montage in the movies because I won't be getting one through a sugar daddy or a crazy sweet sixteen party. No, instead I shall purchase whatever car myself. I am a grown up. I am a grown up. If I repeat this mantra enough times, eventually it becomes true--yes? Fingers still crossed on the sudden lotto win.

Sometimes I envy Annie for her ability to overcome her "hard-knock life"--she could have a new car , for sure, from her "Daddy" Warbucks. I do not envy her hair. Girl, get that coif fixed. You've got money now. 

Have found myself exhausted with the attempt to balance all: social, work, school. Difficult. I'm not sure how people do this exactly. By living with a planner? I have gotten so very obsessed with mine that it is almost pathetic. Yet it keeps me on track, on goal, and this is what I need. I am not so busy to the point that I feel I've lost myself, I swim alone and this activity keeps me level in a lot of ways.  It's easy to tune everything out when you swim. Focused solely on the burning of my lungs, legs, and propelling myself forward...it is lovely, until some kid decides to dive into your lap lane. The rhythm, the solitude, the daydreaming while keeping track of lap number and knowing I'm still being productive. What a pleasure to multitask in such a way.

Have we become a society of multitaskers? When do we give our undivided attention to anything? How often are we not thinking of at least 3 other tasks we must achieve at the moment we're working on the current project? Right now, as I sit here in front of my laptop typing this--which, I will admit, is a pleasurable task and one I do for myself, I am also listening to music (Camera Obscura- Keep It Clean), eating watermelon, and taking a break from homework for my Sign Language Interpreting class, the class DVD paused on a Mini-dialogue and surrounded by my books. What a ridiculous run-on sentence the last was. One which I do not feel like altering.

ASL continues to be challenging and I must study, study, study. I need to interact in the community and find an event to go to, partly for class credit and partly to practice. The idea of going out into the Deaf community when I am a beginner is--honestly--terrifying, exciting. Especially since I've learned that I accidentally signed "make-out" for "coffee" the other day. Ha ha. I said, "My favorite drink is make-out."  Ooops! It's all about the turning the wrists clockwise instead of counter-clockwise...or...was it the other way round? Oh, God. I'm going to accidentally sign "make-out" again when I mean to sign "coffee." We have learned so much in class and it can be a bit much to remember everything. I was excited during Wednesday's class though to get to ask our professor how to sign some things and so we learned some weird signs such as...hot dog. Of course I asked that one! It's my favorite, after all. I will now be constantly signing, "Hot dot my favorite my." YUM! Also, the sign for hot dog cracked me up because I just keep picturing old timey sausage links.Hot Dog!

Last week I watched Children of a Lesser God for class--which I thought was great and also enjoyed seeing how taking SLIP class is paying off as a lot of the signs are becoming familiar, even without explanation. I will be writing an opinion piece on the movie (for class) but if you want an interesting movie, one which shows a depiction of a School for the Deaf in the 80's you should watch this. Also, Marlee Matlin won an Academy Award for her performance and she is stunning.  I've found myself thinking of the movie a lot this week and without spoiling anything for you--if you do happen to watch the movie--the speech therapy scenes were a bit unbelievable. Therapy, of any kind, is something which must be attended to daily with a regiment and while I know this is a movie it was hard for me to believe these Deaf students would be a) as easily accepting and willing to learn to speak as they were in the movie and b) as quickly capable of learning as displayed I still found myself scoffing. Obviously, a movie is not going to show the struggle it takes to learn how to say an "s" when you can't hear one or the absolute challenge of learning the letter "r", which is the most difficult according to speech pathologists--those are hard sounds and take months (often years!) of practice but whatever, just little nitpicking moments. I may have experienced slight nostalgia for my own speech therapy and Mrs. Bay, my speech therapist of 8 years, with her terrible Tab and/or coffee breath; close talking as she taught me to "see the difference between a 'b and a d." Memories are fun.

Tomorrow I'm off work and I plan to continue reading and working on homework. I will probably spend a crazy amount of time practicing sign language in the mirror (at least an hour) because I have to work on my facial grammar and this involves making sure my eyebrows are going up and down at the right parts of phrases--and even though this makes me feel silly, I'll do it. I feel very Evil Queen from Snow White when I practice in the mirror, as if I'm just adoring myself and I would be fibbing if I didn't admit to fixing my hair while I worked on ASL...

Oh snap. There is some serious facial grammar happening here. She is about to make a statement. It's probably "I'm the fairest of them all." or "This crown is awesome." maybe even "The mirror face doesn't scare me."

xo
Glynnis

Siren's Wail

As promised, I return and with a tale to weave.

Today I received my very first moving violation ticket--ever. What a terrifying experience. I turned right on red when signs marked my passage"No Turn Right on Red." I didn't see. I didn't know. I was driving somewhere new. I was frightened, alone in my car, lost, scared...alas, by the time I did see the sign it was one second too late. The car was in motion. The wheel had been turned. I was traveling on the path towards a ticket. It had to happen to me sometime, as it must happen to us all. Traffic tickets wait for no one. Eventually they catch us. Honest mistake though. I pride myself  I did not cry until I drove away from the police officer, nor did my hands shake too badly as I handed him my license. I could not hear his siren, although I assume the policeman at least beeped it at me, luckily (unluckily?) the flashing blue-white lights were utilized. Visual cues; joy!

After receiving my ticket and enjoying a delicious lunch at Farm Burger--because I earned it, I was having a rough day-- I went to class. I am finding that ASL is very challenging, maybe more challenging than I thought it would be. I'm not certain if this is because it's a spatial visual language and that's not my strongest forte, or the brevity of the class. Luckily, my professor is an absolute delight and teaches in a manner that is truly engaging and encouraging. She is deaf, as are many of the professors and lab technicians, at GPC. Our classes are taught in sign,--or as close to it as possible--to allow as much of a full immersion process as possible. This is akin to traveling in another country; you pick up the language faster if you are living there and have to.

So far I find myself struggling with flipping signs often. I'm not certain why I do this. I understand the signs when my professor does them, I see how I should do them in my mind and then when I go to do them my hands want to do them opposite. It's frustrating but I know with more practice I will be alright.

Today I find myself thinking about the past and how we can get stuck in a rut and it's difficult to overcome that point. It's hard to see yourself out of a job you don't like, a financially scary situation, or maybe a relationship that felt a little too cozy; but sometimes it is so worth taking that next big step. Even if that next big step leads to months of confusion and uncertainty. As long as you've got forward momentum, you've got something good going. Not to sound all preachy. I hate that type of stuff. Mainly, it's just that today, I saw a difference in myself.  Past me would've gotten a ticket, had a few other bad things happen and said "You know what--that's a legit reason to skip class. You don't have to go." but Current me says, "No. You're going, even though you're kind of sad about the ticket and state of affairs, at least you had a really good burger. Go to class. You'll thank yourself later."

Do something now that you'll thank yourself for later. Seriously, guys. It sounds so stupid but...it makes all the difference in the world.

xo
Glynnis

Meet and Greet

Well hello there. Fancy meeting you here.

Since I'm writing this blog for the purpose of discussing my goal of becoming a Sign Language Interpreter and achieving a BA in ASL; which has gotten more questions than I realized I would field...please allow me to explain some things about myself.

I am 25 years old and was born with High Frequency Hearing Loss. This means I cannot hear most unvoiced constantants (p, s, v, d, b, f). I struggle with whispers, I can hear them but often cannot make out what is being said. Over the years, I have gotten really good at always facing a person when I'm speaking with them and making a lot of eye contact (hey, I'm looking at your lips too!)  and just smiling and nodding. Sometimes this has gotten me in trouble. More on that later.

I took eight years of speech therapy as a child to "fix" the way I spoke because I learned without the sounds I couldn't hear. Speech therapy, once a week to a young child felt like torture, but I am eternally grateful to my therapist Mrs.Bay and my parents. They are the reasons I don't sound disabled or Southern--I have a fairly neutral accent. When taking speech, in my case, you are taught to over pronounce and over-enunciate each word with the knowledge eventually the over-corrections will fade.

Partnered with speech, I got my first set of hearing aids when I was 4 years old. Apparently, after getting fitted with hearing aids and walking outside of the building for the first time wearing this highly amplified world on my ears, I had one question. "What's that 'whoosh whoosh' sound?," I asked my Mom and she replied, "The wind," and then I assume she cried at how precious I was, as this story is repeated to me and others frequently. So yes, I could not hear the wind or a lot of the times birds and hundreds of other things but for years I comfortably wore my hearing aids and COULD hear everything and it was awesome.

Alas, everything changes.

I switched schools, got older, and suddenly it was really hard to explain hearing aids to people. Kids are mean. Teenagers are crueller. Sometimes the quippy jokes they made when I finally got up the courage to wear my hearing aids again hurt my feelings so much that I put them away. I wasn't this big fount of courage and eventually, I decided, I can't handle that. I can't answer the questions. So, at my own expense, I put the hearing aids up. I coped the best I could. I made it a "non-part" of me. When it did come up, I educated people,  but even my closest friends didn't know the level of my hearing loss. Here is, partly, why I share this information: yesterday I got fitted with my first new pair of hearing aids in almost 10 years and the change in technology is stunning. Soon, I'll have hearing aids that are bluetooth capable! I might upgrade my phone to match. Plus, the sound quality was phenomenal...and it made me realize, what have I been doing? Why did I wait this long? Never let other people stand in the way of your own health and happiness.

All of this being said, there is a stigma with hearing loss that shouldn't exist. People make jokes and are ignorant and it is our job to gently teach. Please don't refer to hearing aids as "old people technology"--the age of patients getting hearing aids is younger and younger, often starting in the mid-40's. Keep that in mind, dear reader, while rocking out to your iPod full blast.

So, why ASL? I relate on a personal level. I think it's a beautiful and challenging language. The level of expression in it is gorgeous. I want to know that should my hearing ever get worse, I've done what I can to educate myself.

That's about it for now.

xo

Glynnis